A DINER’S GUIDE TO MENU-BASED POLITICS
In the wake of the recent civil policy debate as expressed through preference or non-preference of fried chicken sandwiches, it has become necessary to provide some guidance for the confused lunchtime voter.
No one wants to accidentally show support or antipathy for a cause by ordering incorrectly at their local lunch counter. As such, we present the following guide to common sandwiches and their meanings:
Chik-Fil-A Chicken Sandwich: I believe that marriage is the exclusive legal province of one man and one woman, divorce loophole notwithstanding. (Note: don’t be misled by the ironic presence of a pickle between the sandwich’s buns.)
Chik-Fil-A Deluxe Chicken Sandwich: Divorce is for Godless heathens. Stick it out or burn in hell.
McDonald’s Premium Crispy Chicken Sandwich: I’m totally not gay myself, I mean like no way, but I had this roommate once who was gay and he was a solid dude. We used to play Tecmo Bowl and Zelda and stuff, and you’d never know he was gay. Except when he talked. Then you could totally tell.
McDonald’s Honey Mustard Snack Wrap: I like snuggling. It doesn’t really matter who, I’m just lonely. Hold me.
Subway 6-inch Cold Cut Combo: Do you want a sandwich or what?
Subway 12-inch Pulled Pork: I have a food fetish, and once my order is complete I will masturbate in the car. I do not vote.
Boston Market 3-Piece Dark Combo: Honey, we’re just glad you’re home. We love you any way you are. Do you want some gravy?
Sonic Wholly Guacamole Dog: I’m waiting for the Vatican’s position on fast food before ordering.
Burger King Rodeo Whopper: I oppose all forms of contraception. God believes in bareback.
Burger King Veggie Burger: The Indigo Girls are really underrated.
In-N-Out Double Meat: I’m gay.